At the end of October, for example, many of them will be taking part in the Home Office Craft Show. Under Sir Edward we could have a book-signing centre, and under Lady Thatcher a 24-hour grocers Or the other way round. Sorry? Edward Heath, war leader? Surely you haven’t forgotten the Cod War already?
ROWS over boot camps, accusations of soft prison regimes, escapes, that shoplifter with the tag doing it again, immigrants leaping from the Eurostar, judges up to (allegedly) all manner of obiter activities, constant sniping from Jack “Hang ‘Em High” Straw, having to be nice to Michael Howard: it’s a tough life at the Home Office. I think we should turn the South Bank into a sort of Mount Rushmore- by-Thames. I want to see three heads down there, the heads of this century’s three great Tory war leaders: Churchill, Baroness Thatcher, and Sir Edward Heath. Just take a gander at the impression produced by my Moonlight technical boffins Pretty impressive, I think you’ll agree. Mr Stuart is after millennium money and wants to put a cafe and exhibition space underneath it Brilliant! But he’s not going quite far enough, in my view.

This highly imaginative scheme is the brainchild, as we say, of Mr Falcon Nemon Stuart, son of Oscar Nemon, the noted sculptor, who left detailed plans for the giant bronzed bust. So I thrilled to the proposal that a giant head of Winston Churchill, measuring 40ft by 35ft, should be erected on London’s South Bank. 10) Sir David Frost, for nominating Nelson as his hero because “no one had better ratings”

n NOW YOU know the Captain: I like a wheeze. 7) Blucher, Prussian, Wellington’s chum, for saying, on arrival in London, “Was fur plundern!” or “What a place to plunder!” Lord Glasgow, who tossed a waiter out his club window and barked: “Put him on the bill.” 9) Russ Conway. 5) Cesare Borgia, tricky dinner companion with more front than Rimini 6) Bishop Berkeley, for just being there (or not).

Another stylish devil-may-care geezer with a good sense of humour. 4) Thomas Stanley, First Earl of Derby, for an outstanding piece of treachery on Bosworth Field. And, now, of course, you will want to know the Captain’s heroes. Stand by for a brief selection: 1) Nero, a fine fiddle player with some particularly telling last words: “What an artist dies with me!” 2) Thorfinn the Skullcrusher Crazy name, crazy guy 3) King John.