Chris Minna, who is the only genuine lesbian in the show, almost made it less awful. It used to be said that Jean Simmons looked like a sketch of Elizabeth Taylor Chris Minna looks like a sketch of Justine Frischmann She’s absolutely gorgeous. So for about five seconds, we were back on the path to sapphic heaven. I just really didn’t want the men in the audience to think we were part of the show.As they unleashed rubber techno anthem after rubber techno anthem and gyrated like evil monkeys, I was so upset that I had to keep grabbing Susie, who screamed “Aargh – get off me.
They’ll think we are! They’ll drag us up on stage.” This was not an enticing prospect, peopled as the show was with a vile assortment of women who looked like they would sleep with Jack Nicholson According to the next day’s tabloids, many of them had. Yes, the strongest argument that we should go out together is that we fancy all the same men Doh. Okay, so even if it’s not meant to be, I wouldn’t give a damn if people think we’re lesbians. It’s not that I’d be embarrassed if anyone thought I was Susie’s lover We’d make a bloody good couple, actually. She has the face of Shirley MacLaine, the body of Jane Mansfield and the personality of Jimmy Cranky. Aged eight, she convinced her classmates that she had written “Free Nelson Mandela” until she began to believe it herself.
At the same age, I was convinced that I had won the London marathon (when in fact my Dad had carried me on his shoulder in a fun run, and Jimmy Saville had said “well done”, which is why I was confused – easy mistake to make) And we’re both in love with Jim Carrey and Gene Wilder. We just weren’t prepared for the warped male idea of how two girls in love behave. I love you, so I’m going to tie you up and make you watch me do a strange, sub- Madonna leather dance. Get me out of here.Looking around, we saw that the theatre was peopled solely with beery lads on stag nights and we began to feel very self-conscious. We had been considering becoming vegetarians too, so thank goodness they didn’t try to make that into an erotic musical or we would have been straight out the door looking for the nearest McDonalds.
And we really had been up for it. We’ve had a bad time with boys of late and had come to agree with Jack Lemmon’s statement in Some Like It Hot that men are “nasty, hairy beasts with eight hands” It was going to be nuns or lesbians for us And we were quite excited about it.
